Daddy, Do I Matter?
I crouched and slowly walked towards the downed log that lay across the small creek. Our new puppy had jumped into the hole below and was quickly followed by the kids, so I let them have that one. This hole was mine, and something told me it would be a gold mine. I had a travel Tenkara rod in tow, and there was no way I was going to make a back-cast from shore. A roll cast wouldn’t work either, there was a willow hovering just a couple feet over the water. My only option was to scamper out onto the log, and attempt a side cast, so I did. I missed the spot a few times, and hit the branches of the willow a few more, then…, I landed the fly right where I wanted. Time stood still as I watched and waited, then I saw it. The silhouette of the biggest fish around slowly approaching my hand-tied orange elk haired caddis. I held my rod tip up, keeping light tension on the line and watched as hesitation was overcome with desire and the fish attacked. Hook-set!
I turned and yelled to the kids, “got one, it’s big!” Big being relative to the body of water. In reality it was a sunfish the size of my hand, but that was monstrous for this water, and the process of catching it was equally as exciting as any other catch on a dry fly. “I wanna hold it, daddy can I hold it?” yelled all of the kids at once. “I don’t think you can hold it, remember, these fish have spikes, and they flop like crazy when I try to hand them to you.” My youngest daughter accepted this reasoning and said, “I’ll just pet it.” My youngest son was not so easily pacified. He put his hand out, attempting to grab the fish. I tried to pass it to him, it flopped as they always do and fell into the water. “DADDY!!!, you never let me hold the fish!” he yelled, instantly swept over by emotion. He used a fallacy to express his discontent. At first glance, you’d think this was a statement directed at me, but it wasn’t. He was the subject of the sentence, and the unfairness was in relation to him. What he was thinking in his mind was, “what is it about me, what did I do wrong that makes it so daddy won’t let me hold fish?” The real question… the heart-breaking question that is at the root of many of our children’s quandaries is, “do I matter?”
Alright, I admit I’m projecting a little here😊 but these are the thoughts that went through my head as a dad and I have an overwhelming desire to help my children establish the knowledge of self-worth so that they never have to question it.
As I was thinking about this moment, it became clear to me that if the question of personal value comes from within us, then value itself must also come from within. What other people think of us has nothing to do with our value. What we think other people think of us has everything to do with it. Our value tends to be a perception of reality, not reality. So, what do we do to build internal self-worth for us and our children? Here’s a few ideas.
- Catch yourself judging others and stop. If you are making judgments on others, you are most definitely judging yourself. This fosters guilt, not self-love.
- Repeat mantra’s like “I know my heart.” As much as you can throughout the day. It’s a reminder that your heart is good, and you recognize that it is the driving force within you.
- Start your day early, with an hour of exercise, prayer meditation and learning. A win in the morning goes a long way!
Here are some idea’s of things you can say to your kids to build them build trust in themselves:
- When they show their uniqueness say something like this. “Wow, I don’t think I would’ve thought of that! How did you figure that out?” and then listen to what they say.
- Ask them to make decisions that they would normally expect you to make, something like this: “Honey, I can’t decide what to make for dinner. Can you help me figure it out?” Then, invite them to join you in cooking.
- Talk to them about the hard things (and everything!), you can say “someone at work really hurt my feelings. I feel misunderstood and sad. Part of me never wants to talk to them again, but I know that’s not right. Maybe they feel misunderstood too. I’m going to talk to them tomorrow and make sure we are both heard.” When you share your struggles with your children, they see that it is normal and ok to struggle. They understand that struggles and hard things are not the end of the world, and they establish a healthy way of dealing with struggles instead of burying their feelings. They start to trust themselves, and that’s huge!
This morning, as I write this, I resolve that my value is set, because I am part of everything else that exists. One piece of the brilliant masterpiece. If you have never been told that you matter, then don’t put it off anymore. Say it now. I matter. I have something to say. A unique perspective that only I can lend to the world. I matter.
Your friend,
Branden